Monday, December 6, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
If life got any busier I might get too busy to remember to breathe. Seriously. I haven't written in a while due to being that busy and also trying to catch up on all the past stuff I wanted to write about but don't know where to start so it never got done. Today I just feel like venting. Sorry. I don't know what is wrong with me but it's seriously starting to get bad. Lately I have been gaining a lot of weight. I don't know why. Ever since I ended that HCG diet, I started gaining and it hasn't stopped and that scares the you know what out of me. I am TERRIFIED of being really fat. Always have been. I know I am not skinny, I have my muffin top and I was ok with it a little, but when I kept gaining without doing anything to make myself gain then I have been really scared that it's going to just keep piling on and it won't stop until I look like Santa Clause. (Nice hint about Christmas huh?) haha! I changed my diet a lot. I stopped drinking my soda, I stopped eating really bad and tried to eat healthier and it's still just piling on. I have been asked "why are you so scared of being fat?" Well, I love myself a lot more cuz I am not all chunky, I find I feel better and healthier, I look way gorgeous when i am skinny and the last but not least, I am scared that if I get too fat marty might not find me sexy anymore and that is the big killer there. (I know marty would never do that but even while knowing that, I am still scared of it ya know?) It's stressing me out more then normal, and with work being extra busy and the daylight savings time and waking up extra early so that I can get off earlier so I can spend more time with my kids.......it has started overflowing in the emotional department. Twice in 2 weeks I had had a meltdown at work where I have had to stop stop taking calls for about 30 minutes and just bawl my eyes out, and I think it's starting to scare my co workers cuz I really don't usually do this. Hell, it's starting to worry ME. And don't even think it, I am not pregnant. No more babies for me. It's been permanently taken care of. I just feel so out of control and I hate that. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to make it all better. It doesn't help that I don't have time to really relax either. Or talk to friends. I had just gotten myself all calmed down today after a REALLY difficult call where this guy was purposely being the biggest dick on the planet and had burst into tears (again, that usually doesn't happen, I get mad, I don't cry) and then marty comes down to talk to me and I lose it again and have to take another half hour to calm myself down again. All I could think of before he came down was, I just need marty, he will make me feel better. He always makes everything ok when things go wrong. So it was nice to have him come down and let me cry it out on his shoulder. It's really embarrassing to go through this in front of my coworkers cuz it's a different side of me that usually never gets shown. I hate it cuz I don't like to show weakness. If I could just get a hold of my frickin emotions, if my weight would stop piling on, and the calls would just slow down at work, I think i might be ok but right now, I don't see an end in sight. That is my current dilemma. Nice huh? Any advice would be great cuz I need it bad.