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Not feeling the love people. :(

Emotional, need advice.

If life got any busier I might get too busy to remember to breathe. Seriously. I haven't written in a while due to being that busy and also trying to catch up on all the past stuff I wanted to write about but don't know where to start so it never got done. Today I just feel like venting. Sorry. I don't know what is wrong with me but it's seriously starting to get bad. Lately I have been gaining a lot of weight. I don't know why. Ever since I ended that HCG diet, I started gaining and it hasn't stopped and that scares the you know what out of me. I am TERRIFIED of being really fat. Always have been. I know I am not skinny, I have my muffin top and I was ok with it a little, but when I kept gaining without doing anything to make myself gain then I have been really scared that it's going to just keep piling on and it won't stop until I look like Santa Clause. (Nice hint about Christmas huh?) haha! I changed my diet a lot. I stopped drinking my soda, I stopped eating really bad and tried to eat healthier and it's still just piling on. I have been asked "why are you so scared of being fat?" Well, I love myself a lot more cuz I am not all chunky, I find I feel better and healthier, I look way gorgeous when i am skinny and the last but not least, I am scared that if I get too fat marty might not find me sexy anymore and that is the big killer there. (I know marty would never do that but even while knowing that, I am still scared of it ya know?) It's stressing me out more then normal, and with work being extra busy and the daylight savings time and waking up extra early so that I can get off earlier so I can spend more time with my kids.......it has started overflowing in the emotional department. Twice in 2 weeks I had had a meltdown at work where I have had to stop stop taking calls for about 30 minutes and just bawl my eyes out, and I think it's starting to scare my co workers cuz I really don't usually do this. Hell, it's starting to worry ME. And don't even think it, I am not pregnant. No more babies for me. It's been permanently taken care of. I just feel so out of control and I hate that. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to make it all better. It doesn't help that I don't have time to really relax either. Or talk to friends. I had just gotten myself all calmed down today after a REALLY difficult call where this guy was purposely being the biggest dick on the planet and had burst into tears (again, that usually doesn't happen, I get mad, I don't cry) and then marty comes down to talk to me and I lose it again and have to take another half hour to calm myself down again. All I could think of before he came down was, I just need marty, he will make me feel better. He always makes everything ok when things go wrong. So it was nice to have him come down and let me cry it out on his shoulder. It's really embarrassing to go through this in front of my coworkers cuz it's a different side of me that usually never gets shown. I hate it cuz I don't like to show weakness. If I could just get a hold of my frickin emotions, if my weight would stop piling on, and the calls would just slow down at work, I think i might be ok but right now, I don't see an end in sight. That is my current dilemma. Nice huh? Any advice would be great cuz I need it bad.

Want some more?????

Well I saw this and I am bored at work so i am going to do it even though I haven't been "tagged". Here it is:

Four Shows I Watch:
1. Vampire Diaries!!!!!
2. House
3. Lie to me
4. Family Guy

Four Things I'm Passionate About:
1. Making sure my kids and hubby NEVER feel like they are not loved
2. Living my life the way I want to
3. Love
4. Being happy

Four Phrases I Say A Lot:
1. "I love you"
2. "Go stupid!!!!!" (to the stupid drivers when they fail to push the gas pedal like they should) haha!
3. "Seriously?"
4. "Dude!" :)

Four Things I've Learned from the Past:
1. Don't judge people just because they live differently then you
2. Live the way that makes you happy cuz being miserable is not acceptable
3. Stop worrying so much about people think of you
4. Learn from your mistakes and try to make it better

Four Places I Would Like to Go:
1. Australia
2. Cancun
3. New Zealand
4. Greece

Four Things I Did Yesterday:
1. went to work.
2. complained about work
3. came home and ran some errands
4. Made fun of my adorable daughter for falling asleep while listening to Christmas songs in her room (she has listened to it NONSTOP since I got it a few days ago.)

Four Things I'm Looking Forward to:
1. Thanksgiving
2. Christmas
3. Losing weight
4. Next year and it's adventures!!

Four Things I Love About Winter:
1. The snow
2. Hoodies to cover my muffin top
3. watching marty get so so excited about doing doughnuts in the parking lots before going to work
4. Christmas

Four Things on My Wish List:
1. A flat screen tv
2. A new camera
3. For my kids and hubby to always be happy
4. To be skinny again

Just a bit of info

Just a little bit of info to tide you over while I try to piece together 3 months worth of happenings. Wow. It's going to be fun ;). (Again, thank you Courtney)

1. I am soooo excited for Christmas! I love shopping for the kids and for myself. (I hate shopping for marty cuz I always get the wrong things then I am sad that he didn't get what he really wanted. So I make him shop for himself hehe)

2. I wish that I could eat whatever I want to eat without worrying about how much I am going to gain from it. It seems the older I get, the harder I have to try and keep the weight off. I hate calories and fat!

3. I like chocolate, photography, Mt. Dew, my family, my tattoo, money, doughnuts, people with a sense of humor, a good massage, losing weight, Target, babies, Vampire Diaries, Fettuccine, and laughing!!!

4. I can read faster then a smart college student.

5. I hope that one day I will have a black Ram truck, more money and a better house

6. I think that I have the greatest husband in the whole entire world, he always takes care of me while i'm sick , makes me laugh when I am sad, always holds my hand and never ever lets me down. (Totally stolen from Court. but it's exactly how I feel with marty so you get the idea)

7. I am terrified of being alone at night. The dark scares the crap out of me, and the small noises make me want to cry. (Especially after watching Paranormal Activity) haha!

Ready?

Ok I know I haven't been on here in a while. It has been so crazy in life that I really have not had the time. I have so much to catch up on. I need to update everyone on Hawaii, New York, new sister in law, Halloween, my birthday, and everything else in between. Get ready for a lot of new posts! I am about to spew it all! lol

Want some more?

I have started working full time. Don't know if I have written about this lately so i am gonna fill you in again....maybe. I hardly see my neighbors, my dogs, my ghetto yard or my wonderful kids 3/4 of the day. I miss being home a little more during the day but once we get all this dept paid off hopefully I can work less. I miss my kids so much. Why do they have to grow up? I don't want to just be sitting at home all day though. That's why I am hoping the photography biz is going to pick up by then and I can spend that time either taking pics or learning more about taking pics. I am LOVING taking people's pics and making these memories for people. Hi to all of you that I haven't seen in forever. Now read some more random thoughts that once again i got from my friends blog. haha! Thanks Courtney!

1. When I get a day to myself: I like to sleep in, stay in my pj's, eat whatever I want, take a nap and then just sit and read or go shopping.

2. High school was.... It was ok. I wish i was more mature and had more friends, but it was ok. I was able to meet my hubby and still got to hang out with my besties who I had so much fun laughing and having fun with.

3. A little dream I have is to: be successful. I want to do something that came only from me. I am not the smartest cookie in the package so I have to try extra hard to do what comes easily to most.

4. A big dream I have is to: be the best mom/wife in the world. My kids and hubby are the only things that really matter to me. I only want them to be happy. Also, I want a big house with a porch and a big yard where the kids can play.

5. If I could drive any car my pick would be: DODGE RAM TRUCK BABY!!!! Black please.

6. A time that I felt really and truly beautiful is: when my hair and makeup is perfect and when marty just can't stop staring at me.

7. Tomorrow I will: go to work as usual, then go to my sister in laws to see my babies Wyatt and Rilan, then come home and start it all over again.

Am I alive?

Why yes I am. I may not be active on here but I am still alive. haha! It is hard to blog when you are working full time, taking pictures every second that you can and taking care of kids, a house and a sexy hubby. ;) Since i am short on time I will just give you a little taste of ME! Enjoy!

1. The strangest thing I've ever eaten is: Sushi, it was nasty.

2. I wouldn't be caught dead eating: Caviar or bugs or the chocolate shake I had yesterday from Smash Burgers.

3. When I am 75 I will: be having wheelchair races with my hubby (not that I am going to need to be in the wheelchair, we are just going to use them for races hehe!

4. If I had to be named after a place I would want to be named: Kehei (sp?) Hawaii

5. My name is: If you don't know my name already then we need to talk

6. My all time favorite photo is: Me and martys engagement pic

7. If I could afford it I would: travel the world, pay off depts and get a house that is not falling apart

1. If I didn't have to work anymore I would: have an extremely clean & decorated house, because I get extremely bored!

2. My favorite thing about a vacation is: being somewhere quiet, without kids, where I can just relax and enjoy a different atmosphere.

3. When packing for a trip I: Pack way too much. I never know what I wanna wear, so basically my whole closet goes into my suitcase.

4. If I could go on a road trip with anyone (dead OR alive) I would choose: Marty of course, i can't be myself with anyone but him

5. My top 3 absolute travel essentials are 1) My Camera 2) Magazines are a must for me, gotta keep me occupied somehow. 3) My cell phone

Ramona and Beezus

Last night we went to see Ramona and Beezus cuz I thought the kids might like it. Plus Mikaila is obsessed with Selena Gomez. So we are on our way to the theater and Mikaila asks if we will get popcorn. (These kids are addicted to popcorn. They only go to the movies for this purpose). Alex's response to this question is "of course we are getting popcorn, why else would we go?" LOLOLOL I told you, this is the only reason they want to go to the movies. Alex hates sitting still for so long, and once the popcorn is gone, they lose interest real fast! Silly kids. Anyway, so during the movie (sorry to ruin it for some of you), the cat dies and as they are going through the sad crying and stuff we look over to the kids and they are bawling their heads off. Alex more then Mikaila. So we comfort him and tell him that it's ok, and he just cannot stop crying and says "why would they put that in the movie?? That was so sad!" It was heartbreaking actually. My son is so sensitive. I love both of them so much and love being able to spend time with them. I missed them a lot in Hawaii (which btw, the story of that will come soon), so i am happy to have my kids back. Now I am trying to catch up with reality after spending a week in pure bliss in Hawaii. Anyway, gotta go back to work. i will write more "soon". Cuz you never know when that will be. lol

1 month ago...............

I really wonder sometimes where my mind has gone. I wrote in the last post that I was gonna write again a few days from then and it's been a full month. I never really thought I was that busy but I really am sometimes. The other "times" I'm being flat out lazy and just don't do anything that needs to be done. I'm weird.
So yeah. The past month has been quite interesting. I have been looking very forward to going on our trip to Hawaii. i am not going to write down when I am going in case some weirdo is reading this and wants to rob our house while we are gone. (I am so scared of that happening). Even still, I am so excited! It's going to be a second honeymoon for me and marty. Granted we still won't have everything we have ever wanted with it, what with the cost of it all, but we are trying to make it as special as possible. It has been (almost) 10 years since me and marty got married! 10 YEARS! It makes me feel good to say that cuz of all the haters that thought that it wouldn't last just because we were/are so young and didn't get married in the temple. Take that! Marty and I are going to make it till forever. He is so special to me and I love him more then anything in this world. He has given me the most beautiful kids on the planet and he treats me so well. I feel bad for him sometimes because he has to deal with my immaturity and weirdness (I know it's not a word, just deal with it) haha. I can be special sometimes but I treat him like he is the best man in the world....because, well....he is. Ok, enough mushy stuff.
I am going to do a naughty thing and steal something off a friends blog and post it here with my own answers because, dang it, i need something else to talk about. Here it is:
1. My favorite thing about this week has been: today I stuffed myself silly with the most unhealthiest things on the planet because it was one of those days where if I didn't have tons of chocolate someone was gonna get hurt. haha!
2. The weather this week has been: nice. It's been really hot, but I am loving the lightning and thunderstorms that have been popping up.
3. The last (interesting) item I received in the mail was: More camera stuff. Even though the memory card that we got failed in the middle of a photoshoot and we had to stop and get another one and do it all over again.
4. The last movie I saw was: Eclipse. I love the book series, but I am not loving the movies. Edward is so not sexy (I don't care what you think, he is NOT sexy!), Bella can't act and Taylor is hot but is 17 so we won't go there. But it was definitely better then the 1st and 2nd one. So that is a plus!
5. If I could be doing anything I felt like today I would: Snuggle up in the covers of my bed and sleep the day away. That's how tired I have been lately.
6. As a teenager I was: always the odd one out. I didn't have many friends, I was insecure, didn't have a life and I was loud.
7. I wish I could trade lives for the day with: Carrie Underwood. My dream growing up was to become a famous singer and Carrie has become my absolute favorite since she rose to the top. Granted my dream was shattered, stepped on, and crushed beyond all hope, and I have a new dream now, but I still love and miss singing my heart out to people.
Last but not least, let me post a picture of my gorgeous beyond belief daughter who I love taking pictures of because she keeps me in awe by how beautiful she is. (I would have more of Alex but he doesn't like having his picture taken as much so I go to the next available target)
Here ya go!

Such a slacker

So I make a goal to help myself remember to write something at least once a week to keep up with my blog and what do I do??? I forget and spend 2 weeks off of it. I am loving the coming of summer. It seems to be going pretty fast though and I don't want it to go away cuz next thing I know, it will be dreary winter again. NOOO! So I chose a new background to help me think about HAWAII! I am so excited to go to Hawaii. Only another month and a half. Speaking of...who wants to take care of my dogs and cat while we are gone? I will pay $50! haha! (No seriously). Tomorrow my baby girl, the youngest of my 2 kids, is turning 7 years old. She is such a big girl now and it makes me wonder where the time went. Am I old enough to have kids this old? I didn't think I was. Sometimes, I still think (and act haha) like I am still 18. So sad.
The photography business is starting up ok, a little slow, but what can you expect. We just need to get our name out there. Sometimes I get really jealous of marty cuz he is learning how to do all the cool things on photoshop and I am still in the beginning learnings of it. He just understands it better. I want it to go well. i love taking pictures and helping others create those memories that they are going to love forever. I have always loved cameras, being in front of the cameras and taking pictures. Maybe thats what I have always been meant to be career wise. I hope so. It is fun. It also gets me out of my shell a little cuz I am forced to talk to other people when normally I wouldn't cuz I just am more comfortable being with myself. When I get to know people though, watch out! haha! Anyway, just wanted to update. Sorry no recipe today. I will post one....(giving myself a new goal)...........on Friday. Spread the word about Gubler Photography! And to keep you curious, I will post a new pic that me and marty have done of our friends new baby. Here it is:

Wednesday is Recipe Day!

I have decided to make myself more active in my blog world. One of the things I thought would be great to do, is to have a recipe day where I share one of my fav. recipes so other people can make them and see how good they are. It will keep my blogging and I can feel like a normal mommy instead of a working mommy who never has time to even cook anymore. Today's recipe is Banana Nut Bread. Enjoy! P.S. The kids are excited about school/dance to be over and looking forward to playing all day.

Banana Nut Bread

½ cup butter, softened

1 cup sugar

2 eggs

1 cup mashed bananas

¼ cup milk

1 tsp. lemon juice

1 3/4 cups flour

1 ½ tsp. baking powder

½ tsp. baking soda

¼ tsp. salt

½ cup chopped nuts (optional)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Mix together butter and sugar. Add eggs and beat together. Add bananas, milk, and lemon juice. Add dry ingredients and nuts. Bake in an 8x4 inch loaf pan for 1 hr.

Birthdays and CD's

I am making a CD of music for my niece who is turning 7 next week. She is having a few of her friends over for a slumber party (the kid kind haha) and Mikaila gets to go over there and have fun for the night and tomorrow. I hope she has fun. She doesn't get to have many sleepovers or sleeping over at someone else's house because all her little friends are still too scared to stay with someone else for the night, so we are waiting until they are ready. I sometimes shudder at the music the kids now want to listen to. Demi, Selenda, Miranda, Miley are all good and I don't mind them so much but then you have the Jonas Brothers and the other little kid...whatshisface......Justin Bieber and it gets pretty pathetic. haha! So I am trying to choose kid tunes and having Mikaila help me choose. I hope my sister in law April can handle all those kids for the night. It's going to be crazy. I still don't know what to do for Mikaila's birthday coming up. Still trying to find something nice and cheap. :)
This weekend is going to be soo busy. Tomorrow I am going to do my friend Tricias bridal pictures and also taking some pics of another friend Wendi and her daughter. I am so excited! I hope they turn out good. On Sunday I am taking pics of my friend Jessica and going to church for a spotlight on myself. Apparently the new ward members need to know who I am since I never go anymore. I met my new visiting teacher the other day and she seems nice. She admitted that she is horrible at doing her visiting teaching and that is fine with me. Not that I don't want to know her but I am so busy that it's hard to catch me home at a good time. My other visiting teachers gave up with trying to reach me. I felt pretty bad. It's not something I have much control over though.
I am working hard on learning all I can about photography and using lots of volunteers to practice on. It sort of frustrating to see how many people are either starting their own photography here and those that have one all established. Utah is full of them! I hope I can make a little bit off of it even through all those other photographers. I just LOVE taking pictures of people and catching memories. And of course I LOVE being in front of the camera, I have since I was little. So crossing my fingers! Anyway, i hope you like the new blog. I changed my address and everything as kind of a security thing since I had heard about some people I don't want reading it looking around for it. Plus this makes it brand new and who doesn't like new things? Not me! I LOVE new things. See you sooner rather then later! BTW, the pictures on top are of my sister in law Carolyn. Just wanted to share.